"You stupid!"

Today we avoided the hunger pangs of fasting for Yom Kippur by sleeping in late and visiting tourist attractions in Beijing.

We started with the Forbidden City, just north of Tian'anmen Square. The Palace Museum is a wonder of both size and grandeur, and it's amazing to think that just 100 years ago it was still occupied by China's last dynasty, the Qing. It was also a total tourist trap, complete with buses lined up outside, tour guides leading their charges around the grounds with various flags and umbrellas held aloft, and little shops peppered throughout the grounds where you could buy various Chinese-related trinkets. It reminded us of the last scene in "The Last Emperor," where the former emperor Pu Yi (pronounced Poo Ee) returns to the palace towards the end of his life, buys a ticket to visit the throne he was forced from, and is overrun by Americans toting expensive camera gear. It's a good thing he didn't go on a weekend, like we did, because we had it much worse then him. (Aside from the whole imprisonment thing, of course)

After traipsing about the 1 million square meters of the palace grounds in 85-degree heat, we decided that it was time for a change of scenery. So we proceeded to Beijing's other famous tourist trap, the legendary Silk Market. Our purpose in going was to replace a few old peices of clothing, including my winter coat, with some "name-brand" items from Beijing's most notorious sellers of trademark-infringing items. Our result was to walk out with a "DKNY" shirt for Katie, and a hilarious story about Silk Market shop keepers.

Silk Market shop keepers are a breed unto themselves. They seem a bit dumb and desperate at first, yelling things like "Hey Lady, you want new coat?" or "we have North Face, Columbia, Nike! You come inside, nice lady!" But then it turns out that they're extremely adept and crafty negotiators, can usually guess your nationality within two attempts, and can bargain in at least six different languages. (English, Russian, Japanese, Korean, French, and German seem to be the standards) Oh, and they can have terrible tempers if you get close to a deal and then walk away, as you will see below.

After walking through the top six floors of the market, we came upon a stall that had some decent-looking knock-off North Face items. The bargaining proceeded as follows:

[N.B. The following exchange is intended for a mature audience--proceed at your own risk]
Store-keeper 1: You need jacket? Come into my store! We have North Face!
Micah: North Face? How much?
SK1: Where you from?
M: Canada, eh. (The shopkeepers may be able to bargain in six different languages, but their bargaining arsenal usually lacks any Canadian material).
SK1: Canada? I love Canada! [Points to Canadian flag lapel pin amongst 30 other lapel pins on her red vest] You want to try on jacket?
Katie: Sure. Do you have something in a large?
SK1: Of course, of course! I give you very
good price! [Grabs black "North Face" out from under
pile] It's water-proof, made of gortex...
M, sarcastically: Oh, it's real then?
SK1: Oh, of course! Ha ha ha!!

[Trying on of jacket ensues]

K: Those zippers don't look quite right. I have a real North Face jacket, and they don't look like that...
SK1: That because they water-proof! Here, let me show you! [Pulls out water bottle specially modified with holes in cap for just this purpose, and pours water on the arm of the jacket] You
see?! Water proof!
K: The liner looks pretty thin...
SK1: I give you very special price. What your best offer?
M: No, what's your best offer?
SK1: I give you very special price. [Grabs calculator] Usually I charge this... [types out 2,500 on calculator]...but today you only pay this one. [types out 1,850]
M: 1,850? Listen, we live in Beijing and we shop at other markets. 1,850 is ridiculous. Why would I pay that if I can get the same jacket for 50 at another market?
SK1: This my best price. Here, it has hood!! Hood water proof too!! [Pulls hood up over my head and attempts to pour water on it]
M: Woah! That'll do. [Takes off jacket]
SK1: Here, you hold this!! [Hands me jacket, executing classic bazaar bargaining maneuver]
K: I think we should go.
Shop keeper 2, to K,: Hey, can I see your purse? What you got in there? You busy? [Tries to distract Katie so that SK1 can keep talking to M without K interrupting]
K: No.
SK1: She your wife? Girlfriend? [Grabs my arm to keep me from leaving]
M: I don't see how that's relevant. And please don't touch me.
SK1: [Not letting go] Okay, how much you take it for? You pay 1,500.
M: Too high. I need to go.
SK1: [Grabs Katie's arm] 1,000. That's my final offer
M: No, still too high.
SK1 & M: 900! No. 700! No. 500? Still too high... 350? No, maybe 300. Katie, what do you think?
K: I think we should go. Please let us go.
SK1: [Turning on us] You take deal! It's very good quality!! [Continues holding on to M's wrist and refusing to let go]
K: Let go of him and take your calculator!! [Grabs calculator and jacket, tosses on floor of stall.]
SK1: [Yelling at the top of her lungs] You stupid!!! FEK YOU!!!![sic]
M, walking away, to K: Hey! I got her down to 300!
K to M: No one has ever said "fek you" to me in my life!

Post-bargaining, we ended the fast with a wonderful Italian meal at "Cafe Europe" in Soho, and a bunch of Western groceries from Jenny Lou's. We're looking forward to wok-cooked chocolate chip pancakes tomorrow morning.